


Nothing Gold

by Betty_06



Category: Orange is the New Black
Genre: Angst, F/F, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-12
Updated: 2014-07-22
Packaged: 2018-02-08 12:33:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1941234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Betty_06/pseuds/Betty_06
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Begins with Alex and Piper's break up, and will continue into the present.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

With Piper everything had clicked into place. The doubts that had often kept Alex out of relationships had ebbed away before they could take hold. Mornings turned into afternoons turned into nights while she and Piper stayed in bed alternating between having sex and talking. They'd pass books back and forth debating the merits of this or that, and order take-out to eat in bed. When they tired of laying around they'd spent long nights in expensive restaurants and dive bars.

Alex had never met anyone whose body fit in her hands like Piper's did, or who could make her hot with just a look. There was an immediate trust between them, that meant they could try and do anything. She knew Piper felt like she was discovering something new – but in a way so was she. It wasn't just about the sex. Piper could make her laugh so much. It had felt like they were never going to run out of things to talk about.

The end had been like death itself. It had been incomprehensible at first – the idea that Piper was really going to leave her. Alex had hoped right up until the minute she actually walked out of the door that she was going to lose her nerve. Surely Piper would see reason and transform this into just a slightly more serious version of any other fight they'd had.

They didn't speak for hours after Piper had said she was going to leave. Piper had left their apartment and Alex later gathered that she was calling her parents. She was getting money wired and working out her flight. Putting it all into place. Once Piper had made the decision she hadn't wasted a moment. Alex had sat down at her computer feeling numb, trying to turn her mind back to work. Intermittently she rose to call Piper's cell, which Piper had eventually turned off.

Alex was staring blankly at the screen when Piper returned. Alex looked at the clock and then at the blackened sky outside the window. She hadn't even noticed that it had gotten dark.

“My flight's at two Thursday,” Piper announced flatly.

Alex ignored her, her only defense to act uncaring. Nothing betrayed the sinking of her heart and the answering drop in her stomach. So she was really doing this. Behind her Alex heard the sound of Piper pulling a suitcase down from the top of one of the closets. There was the opening of drawers and the taking of garments off their hangers. Alex swallowed around the lump in her throat.

“You've made your point. What do you want me to do?” Alex still hadn't turned around, but she'd taken her fingers off the keyboard and laced them behind her neck tensely.

“Nothing. I'm not going to ask you to give it up. You love it too fucking much. We both know what you'd choose.”

Alex felt the stoking of her temper, and she slowly pushed herself up from her seat.

“Even if I wanted to, do you think they'd let me leave just like that?” Alex said, snapping her fingers. “In case you haven't picked up on it, I'm in this thing pretty deep.”

Piper scoffed. “If you wanted to being the operative words. You'd find a way _if you wanted to_.”

Alex shook her head. “This is all starting to feel like an excuse. It never seemed to bother you so much before. No, you were always going to leave. It's not like we didn't have an expiration date. You haven't even told your parents about me.”

Alex went on, the impulse to goad Piper irresistible. Piper wasn't responding to her words but her face told her that she felt them. “I guess you're done with your experimental period. You can go find a nice boy and make mommy and daddy really happy. Hey, even pop out a kid or two.”

“Don't start that again,” Piper replied, her movements angry and tense while she folded up a sweater and put it in the case.

“No really, it'll be great for you. And you'll always have this exciting lesbian past, you can use it to spice things up when it gets stale with Mr Right.”

Alex watched items disappear into Piper's suitcase. She shifted back and forth on her feet. She felt like walking over and pulling things out of Piper's hands, anything to get her attention. Alex hated it when Piper shut down more than anything – if Piper would yell at her again that maybe it would feel like she still cared about them.

“You were never really in this, not like me. I hope you've had fun slumming it with me at least. It was an adventure for you, right?” Alex continued.

“Leave me alone.”

Alex shrugged. “Alright. I'm going out.” She grabbed her things and left partly because she didn't want to cry right now in front of Piper, not when she was being so cold. It was the first time she could remember being unsure of whether Piper would comfort her if she cried. In the past it hadn't mattered how bad the fight – if either of them started crying they'd eventually stop and cool it down a little.

Now that she was alone she let the tears come. A couple of hours passed while she walked around with an empty feeling in her gut. There was nothing she wouldn't do to make Piper stay but this felt terrifyingly final. They had friends here, but nobody that she felt close enough to that she could call them and talk about this. The time difference meant that it would be too early – or too late - to call her mom.

_Her mom had been cool when she'd casually come out late in high school. She'd cracked that at least she didn't have to worry about Alex getting pregnant young, and that it would be nice to have a daughter-in-law instead of some good-for-nothing guy. Her mom had started to nag her after a few years that she wanted Alex to find someone to settle down with, not end up perpetually single like herself._

_“Aren't you lezzies supposed to be more into commitment, honey?” she'd drawled around a cigarette while they were catching up over a couple of beers. “You're acting like your daddy, just a pussy hound.”_

_Alex had frowned distastefully. She was nothing like that loser. “Please don't bring him into this mom. I'm fine. I'm happy.”_

_She didn't bring a girl home until Piper. It hadn't even crossed her mind with anyone else, not even Sylvie after she'd moved in. It would have been embarrassing if it didn't make her feel so warm, the way her mother fawned over Piper. She'd exclaimed over how gorgeous and smart Piper was and what a beautiful couple they made. She'd insisted on making a pot roast when Alex had told her she was bringing someone, even though her dislike of cooking was well-documented._

Alex had been doing the dishes when her mother had sidled up to her. “This one's a keeper Alex. I feel like I've never gotta worry about you again. She's crazy about you.”

When Alex got back to the apartment she found that Piper had gone to bed leaving one of the lamps next to the bed on. She stood in the doorway, heart aching. How many times had she watched her sleeping like this? Piper's eyes opened suddenly and Alex looked away self-consciously.

“Do you want me to sleep in the other room?”

Piper shook her head. “No.”

Alex pulled off her clothes, stripping down to her underwear. She couldn't remember when she'd last felt this exhausted. Her glasses landed on the night stand. She slipped into bed making herself small so she wouldn't touch Piper, who was now lying staring up at the ceiling.

“None of what you say is true. You can't say I wasn't in this 100%. You know that's bullshit. You know I've always loved you,” Piper said, her words piercing the silence.

“Does that mean you're not going?” Alex said hating how pathetic she sounded. She had to ask though she knew the answer to the question. Piper had spoken in the past tense about their relationship.

“I'm going. I just need you to know that it's hard for me too.”

Alex couldn't reply at first. “If you loved me like I love you, you wouldn't even consider leaving,” she said bitterly. “So. I wish I could believe you.”

“Al. You know it's not that simple,” Piper said sadly.

“Yes it is. You can fuck off with your I love you's. Don't tell me you love me when you're about to walk out.”

Piper sighed. “I'm trying to talk to you. You know what, maybe you should go and sleep in the other room. I'm tired.”

Alex finally rolled over and sat up. “Oh, don't let me interrupt your beauty sleep princess. Why don't you go and sleep in the other room? This is my place.” Alex put her hand on her chest, choked up with sadness and anger. She'd started crying again. “ _Mine_. You don't want me? Then none of this is ours any more. It's mine.”

Piper sat watching her for a moment with conflicting expressions playing over her face. She sat up and reached forward at last and pulled Alex in. Alex sat stiffly at first then put her arms around Piper, her face in soft hair. She breathed in, the air coming out again in a harsh sob. After a couple of minutes she wiped her face. Her tears dried and it was quiet. She was torn between wanting to shove Piper and trying to hold onto her as tightly as she could.

It might be the last time. She picked the latter, an one arm dropping to Piper's waist and another around her neck. Firm and close.

They'd always had this. No matter how serious the argument or how much they were hurting at one another. Drawn together no matter what was going on. All Alex needed to feel was Piper's hands on her hips to understand what Piper wanted from her, and she took Piper's face in her hands and kissed her. Piper's mouth opened, and Alex felt tongue sliding against her own.

Piper was wearing a tank top and underwear. They pressed the nakedness of their thighs together, Piper moving a leg between hers, then reaching to pull off her own top. They kissed roughly, Alex feeling Piper's breasts pressing against her own.

Alex pushed Piper back onto the bed and yanked down her underwear, finding her still wet and waiting for her despite the speed of the encounter. Neither of them had moved to turn off the lamp and Alex could watch Piper's face. She could see the gentle contortion that took place when she thrust inside of Piper in one long stroke. Piper's hands were grasping at her back and she kept a steady pace, their eyes locked. Stay. Just stay.

The next day and night played out in much the same way. Piper had spent some time finishing up packing her one small case and then had gone out, leaving Alex alone with work that was impossible to focus upon. They fought, they made love, and argued some more.

In the early hours Alex hadn't slept, and while Piper snatched a couple of hours rest Alex crept to the desk and found Piper's passport. If she could just stop her from getting on that flight today then they could work through this. There hadn't been enough time. She had been angry and she'd lashed out, instead she needed to talk to Piper about it more calmly. Alex would promise to never ask Piper to take part in the business again and she'd mean it.

It was clear how futile her plan had been when Piper said she wouldn't even stay for the funeral. In that moment she gave up.

And then Piper was gone, walking out without a look back. Without Piper or her mom there was nobody left in the world who loved her or, or who she loved in return. She didn't know how to live with this double shot of grief. Piper might not be dead like her mother, but she was lost.

As soon as she’d touched down in America she’d tried to call Piper anyway. Her phone was switched off and then disconnected. Alex knew practically to the minute when it had been disconnected because she’d been calling again and again.

She couldn't fathom the thought of going through this alone. The flight had been awful - a claustrophobic hell ride. The pleading e-mail she’d sent when she'd gotten to her mom's empty house had returned only a message that it had been undeliverable. The e-mail was the last straw. Seeing it in black and white like that made it real. Piper was really never going to talk to her again.

She knew how far she'd fallen when she started trying to anaesthetize herself with heroin and other girls, never alone but lonely always.

In all the years before Piper left – before she'd even met Piper - she'd barely even tried the product she spent her life distributing. There had been one misguided attempt at smoking it just to see what all the fuss was about but the idea of using a needle had been unthinkable. She'd spent enough time watching the desperation in her addled customers to think that there was anything good about it.

Now she understood heroin's function as a painkiller. Alex let herself get sloppy and stupid for a while, skimming relatively tiny amounts and putting them up her arm. Kubra would kill her if he ever found out and in her more self-pitying moments she wished that he would.

As the years passed the ache dulled but it never took much to bring all of the memories back. Sometimes she could only see Piper through the lens of how it ended and she wondered how she could have been so in love with such a selfish person. But most of the time she just missed what they'd had together. She couldn't imagine that she would find anything like it ever again. When she started dating properly again there was a big piece of herself that she held back. It wasn't like she'd ever been the most trusting person in the world in the first place.

When they each got locked up it was like their whole relationship repeated in fast forward. Her heart had surged when she'd seen Piper again across the crowded cafeteria. The possibility that Piper might end up in the same place as her had occurred but seemed too crazy to really happen.

Then they'd done it all again, and it had ended the only way it could with them – with Piper leaving her.


	2. Chapter 2

Piper had wanted to put an ocean between the two of them. It was the only way she could think of to protect herself, because somehow she'd become a shadow. She had no job and no prospects for the future. One couldn’t exactly put “Drug Dealer’s Girlfriend” on one’s resume. All she did with her life was follow Alex around the world, completely in her thrall. 

There had been so many moments when things could have gone the other way. Moments in which she almost crumbled and decided to stay. When she'd found out about Alex's mother her first impulse was to remain by her side, but the inevitability of what must come next flashed before her eyes. She'd stay for the funeral and then for the first months of grief. Any plans to leave would be forgotten and the normal life that she'd started to think she might really need to have would slip out of her reach.

When she was back on home soil the past year took on a surreal quality. Piper’s heart would start pounding out of nowhere, her thoughts snagging on the sort of people her life had become intertwined with. Alex had never seemed criminal or dangerous to her. However, panic would rise whenever she thought about Alex’s boss or her boss' boss. It took more than a month or two for her to stop looking over her shoulder.

Polly had been so relieved to have Piper back that she'd taken her by the shoulders and informed her she could never do anything that fucking stupid ever again. Piper hadn't been able to say out loud that she missed Alex so much it felt like a crushing weight on her chest. That she woke up sometimes still clinging to dreams where Alex had been with her. There was no Alex to lie against or be held by, no Alex to laugh at her jokes. She missed all of the ways that Alex doted on her and made her feel special. She missed little things, like the way Alex would bring her cups of coffee in bed while she was reading, dropping a kiss on her forehead before she went.

Piper felt like there was a part of herself that was just gone. Even though she'd made the choice to leave herself, she had no idea who she was without Alex. 

Seeing Alex in prison had been indescribably shocking and disorienting. Now that Piper had seen her again she couldn't fathom how she'd lasted so many long years without her. Piper was grateful for her anger at Alex for naming her. She needed to use it as a shield to ward off her growing sense that she’d been missing out on something vital. There was still that crackling energy between them, a pull that she’d never found with anyone else.

She had truly believed that she was in love with Larry. Larry made her feel safe and loved. He was solid and she’d never questioned the importance of that. She'd always told herself that it wasn't fair to compare her feelings for Larry to what she’d felt for Alex. When she'd known Alex she'd been younger and less wise, and Alex had been her first love. Piper just hadn't banked on that first-love feeling rushing back like a tidal wave, destroying everything that got in its way.

It wasn’t helpful to compare but she did it anyway with every breath. For example, there was the matter of kissing. When she tried to remember she couldn’t reconstruct the moment when Larry had first kissed her. She knew that she’d had to teach him how she liked it, some gentle coaching. At first his kisses had either been too dry or too wet, their teeth had clashed together and his tongue had probed hers too aggressively. But he'd been an eager learner and in the end it had been fine. Just fine.

The first time that Alex had kissed her was burned into her memory.

From the first night they’d met she’d been intrigued by Alex. Obsessed by her, even. She'd made it her mission to see her again and again. Alex hung out in a small square of the city – she was part of a very specific scene – and it wasn’t difficult to track her down. Most times that Piper sought her out she found her. Piper lived for those nights and for Alex’s teasing way of flirting with her. 

Alex had casually slipped her number to Piper on the first night they'd met, but it took some time to gather the courage to call her. It would mean really putting herself out there instead of just pretending she happened to always be in the same place at the same time. Although Alex flirted it was hard to gauge how interested Alex actually was. Alex always bought her drinks and stood close to her, gaze flicking between her eyes and lips. But she never tried to push it any further - much to Piper’s disappointment. She wondered whether that was just how Alex was with everybody. Maybe Alex just enjoyed keeping her off balance.

One night she decided that instead of going out on the hunt for Alex she was just going to do things the old-fashioned way. She was lying in bed, staring at the napkin that had Alex’s number scrawled across it. Moving quickly - so that she wouldn’t lose her nerve - she dialled. Alex’s voice was wary when she first answered, growing playful when Piper introduced herself. 

“Oh, hey. What are you up to?” Alex asked her.

“Nothing much. Are you out tonight?” Piper replied, her heart fluttering.

“Nah. I went out for dinner but I’m home now. Just reading.”

“Oh,” Piper said, forcing the disappointment from her voice. “Anything good?”

There was a silence on the other end of the line and Piper squeezed her eyes shut. She shouldn't have called. Making small talk with her was probably the last thing Alex felt like doing.

“Not that good. Why don’t you come around, have a drink with me?”

Piper quickly agreed and wrote down Alex’s address before rushing around to get ready. She showered and brushed her teeth, then puzzled over what to wear. On the way there she picked up a bottle of wine.

“Nice,” Alex said when Piper handed her the bottle, eyeing her appreciatively so Piper couldn't be in doubt about what she was really talking about.

Piper walked around admiring Alex’s loft apartment while Alex poured each of them glasses of wine. The tension between them was palpable, both of them conscious that they were alone together for the first time.

They spread out on the lounge room floor, drinking and joking around. Every time Alex put her hand on Piper’s knee or arm she was sure that it was finally going to happen. It didn’t even occur to her that she could be the one to move forward and press her lips against Alex’s. Piper took a sip from her glass, staring at Alex. She took in her long limbs, the tattoo that marked her upper arm, and the swell of her breasts. When Piper’s eyes went back to Alex’s face, Alex raised her eyebrows at her and smiled.

A tension-filled silence stretched out between them.

“Want to see the view from the fire escape?” Alex asked her. They went outside together and Piper grinned at the sight. The city below them looked so beautiful and bright, the lights glittering as far as the eye could see. Piper held on to the railing and closed her eyes. The air felt so good on her face and she was acutely aware of Alex standing just behind her and to the left.

Then Alex finally stepped forward and Piper felt her soft body pressed against her back. Alex’s arms came around her. One settled on her hip and the other lay gently against her neck, stretching over her jaw. Piper let out an involuntary sound and turned her head to the side, seeking her out. Alex’s warm lips touched her own.

She wasn’t inexperienced. Still she’d been unaware until that moment of how much it was possible for a kiss to turn her on. Alex’s lips made her own tingle and she felt heavy with arousal. She turned in Alex's arms and their kiss deepened. They broke apart for a moment and Alex's mouth went to her neck. Piper could feel herself pushing against Alex, trying to get closer and closer.

“Do you want to go to bed?” Alex's low voice sounded in her ear.

* * *

Even when she'd given in and been unfaithful she had still believed that she was capable of re-committing herself to Larry. Larry was warm and loyal and they shared the same goals, or at least they used to. When he and Polly had started a relationship she'd felt so cheated. What had been the point of trying so hard to do the right thing when this was the outcome? Everything that she'd worked towards – that nice little life she'd tried to build – had all been laid on a foundation of nothing. 

Larry had the balls to break with convention and go after something he really wanted. It finally gave her the impetus to let go of all of it. It was scary and exciting to realize that she could stop fighting against herself. She wanted Alex back for good and now she could pursue her without guilt. Without that little voice inside of her that had been nurtured from birth by her parents, telling her about how life would come crashing down if she didn’t do all the right things.

When Alex had come to visit her she’d been frightened by Alex’s jumpiness and her reckless plans. Alex had always been so measured, so smart and cautious when it came to business. There had always been the sense that Alex wasn’t doing what she was doing out of desperation, she was doing it because she liked it. It was jarring to hear her talking about dealing like she needed it for survival. All of the ways that Alex’s plans could go life-threateningly wrong played out in her mind.

Piper wanted to share responsibility with Alex for once – she wanted to be by her side so that they could work all this out together. It would buy them time to figure out an escape plan. She also told herself that it didn’t matter that they were both going to be in prison. It was better than being apart.

* * *

It had always been like this. She’d told Alex that she felt inevitable, and she meant it.

As soon as the shock of Alex's girlfriend basically assaulting her had worn off, the need to see Alex again ate at her with a vengeance. It was ridiculous to still be interested in someone who’d done what Alex had done, yet she couldn't get her out of her mind. She daydreamed about seeing her, about what she’d do and say if she did. 

It didn't all add up to her. On the face of it Alex was just a cheating asshole, but it didn't fit with what she knew of Alex. There was a warmth to her, something caring and sweet underneath. She wanted to know what it meant when Alex had said that things were complicated – maybe she and her girlfriend weren't really exclusive? 

She'd gone to a couple of places where she'd known she might run into Alex and even the idea of seeing that psycho girlfriend didn't deter her. 

When Piper had seen her she hadn’t missed her chance. They'd made out against the bathroom wall, Alex pinning her up against it and rubbing Piper’s breasts with both hands through her shirt. The way it made Piper feel – she knew she hadn't made a mistake coming after her like this. A knock had sounded on the door.

“Alex, are you okay? You've been gone a while,” Sylvie's voice. Piper didn’t even feel guilty or scared like she should, she just resented the interruption. 

“Shit,” Alex had whispered. “Yeah Sylvie, I'm fine. There was a line. I'll be out in a sec.”

“Alright.”

“Give me 20 minutes. I'll call you,” Alex had said, looking into her eyes. She put a hand under her chin. “I’m sorry. I’m not gonna let this happen again.”

Piper watched Alex go, the way she quickly pulled the door shut behind her when she left. Piper guessed she'd done it in case Sylvie was waiting there. Piper had waited a minute or so and then had gone out the back door to avoid passing Alex’s table. She'd walked down to a diner and ordered a coffee, then sat watching the face of her phone.

“It’s okay. Can I come to your place?” Alex had asked, and Piper had enthusiastically agreed.

This time there had been no hesitation and no dancing around it. They’d gone straight to bed, kissing urgently. Piper had breathed in sharply when Alex pulled her top off and unhooked her bra, leaning forward to run her hands over Alex’s breasts. Piper hadn’t gotten to do any of this the last time and she’d been trying to imagine what she’d look like. The reality was better. 

Piper straddled Alex, pulling open the button on her pants. 

“Sure you're ready?” When Piper nodded, Alex smiled softly. “Still want me to coach you?”

Piper shook her head. She moved down, then she had licked and kissed and used her fingers, feeling a sense of power she'd never felt before. Having Alex – who always seemed so cool and in control – writhing underneath her and begging her to not stop was amazing. Her hands gripped Alex's thighs and she wondered how she'd ever lived without this feeling. When Alex arched her back and came against her mouth, she felt like she was going to do the same. It was like nothing she'd ever experienced.

She'd moved upwards feeling impossibly pleased with herself. 

“Fuck,” Alex said, her ragged breath slowing.

Piper looked down at her. “How did I do?”

Alex bit her lip, looking back at her. “Good. Had you really not done that before?”

“I might have read an article or two. Got some tips,” she said sheepishly.

Alex exploded into laughter. “You researched that?”

“Don't make fun,” Piper said, the blood rushing to her face.

Alex stopped laughing and kissed her. “I'm not. I love that you did that. You are too cute.”

“I want to see you again,” Piper said. She was leaning on an elbow, scared to really look at her when she said it. “I know we barely know each other, but I do. Do you?” 

“Yeah,” Alex agreed. “I’m asking Sylvie to move out. I’ve been thinking I should do it anyway.”

“Really?” Piper’s eyes searched Alex’s face, trying to gather how sincere she was.

“I wouldn’t lie about that,” Alex replied.

“Can you stay?”

Alex flipped her over onto her back and Piper laughed. “I’m nowhere near done with you.”

“Good.”


End file.
